“I appreciate everything you did…BUT…”
There it went.
The word after the praise took away the praise before the word.
Why give something just to take it back?
Who has not heard this—or done it many times?
If you have parented, supervised, taught, coached, counseled, managed, or participated in a relationship, you have probably been there and done that.
I am talking about the word:
BUT.
It begins simply enough.
Someone starts praising you, yet something in their tone tells you what is coming very soon.
Your ears hear the compliment.
Your mind waits for the subtraction.
WORLD OF BUT
“I really like the way you arranged the office…BUT…”
“I hear what you are saying…BUT…”
“Sure, that is all fine and dandy…BUT…”
“I will do as you asked…BUT…”
“That was very nice of you…BUT…”
“I appreciate everything you are doing…BUT…”
So, which is it?
Do you—or don’t you?
Did you appreciate it—or was the appreciation merely an opening act for the complaint?
THE BUT SETUP
We have all used this word.
We have all had it used on us.
The tone at the beginning of the sentence announces it.
The body language following the praise predicts it.
The impatience to finish the compliment reveals it.
The expression of somebody who made up their mind beforehand confirms it.
Add a little sugarcoating and the listener knows:
BUT is coming!
The listener is already shifting mentally.
They stop receiving the compliment because they are preparing for the criticism.
While you are talking, they are thinking:
“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here it comes.”
THE GOOD GETS BRUSHED ASIDE
A good comment offered to support, encourage, honor, approve, or appreciate another person should be permitted to stand alone.
If it is true and sincere, there is nothing else required at that moment.
Praise gets a turn!
Tell the person what they did well.
Acknowledge their effort.
Shake hands.
Give the hug.
Offer the encouragement.
Then stop talking long enough for the appreciation to settle.
Let them bask in its glow.
Become a glow-maker.
PAUSE FOR CAUSE.
When was the last time you gave someone a compliment and allowed it to remain completely untouched?
No qualification.
No correction.
No hidden assignment.
No “BUT.”
Just appreciation.
COMBINING THE TWO
When praise and criticism are pushed into the same sentence, the listener often receives a mixed message.
“You did well—but not well enough.”
“I appreciate you—but here is what I really wanted to say.”
“You matter—but my dissatisfaction matters more.”
The praise becomes suspicious because it appears to have been used as permission to criticize.
That does not mean positive and corrective information can never exist in the same conversation.
It means we should stop disguising one as the other.
If you have praise, give praise.
If you have feedback, identify it honestly as feedback.
Do not make appreciation perform undercover work.
THE MATH
Here is the people math:
You give one encouraging statement.
Then you give another.
1 + 1 = 2.
Then BUT arrives and takes one away.
Now the person feels as if they have only one—or perhaps nothing at all.
Why give two just to remove one?
Why give in order to take?
Methinks this may reveal more about the person using BUT than about the person receiving it.
FEEDBACK AND INPUT
Feedback can be useful.
Correction may be necessary.
Problems sometimes must be addressed directly.
But feedback and praise frequently work better when they are separated.
Try this:
“I want you to know that I appreciate the effort you gave this project.”
Stop.
Allow that statement to live.
Later, when the moment is appropriate:
“Would you be open to some feedback about one part we might improve?”
Now the listener knows what is happening.
The praise was real.
The feedback has its own purpose.
And when the matter is not urgent, permission can make the person more receptive.
If they are not ready, something may still be in the air.
Let it!
What is the rush anyway?
PERHAPS ASK QUESTIONS
Who?
What?
Where?
How?
Why?
When?
Questions move us forward.
They protect the parties involved.
They promote intimacy, understanding, and clarity while preserving credibility, positivity, and encouragement.
Instead of saying:
“You organized this very well, BUT nobody can find the final numbers.”
Try asking:
“You organized this very well. Where might we place the final numbers so everyone can find them quickly?”
The good remains good.
The question opens the door to improvement.
No mixed message is required.
“HOWEVER” COMES IN HANDY—SOMETIMES
Experienced users of BUT sometimes substitute HOWEVER because they believe the listener will not close down.
“Your work was excellent. However…”
Here comes the same truck wearing a different license plate.
LOL.
Changing the word does not automatically change the message.
“However,” “although,” and “on the other hand” can be perfectly useful when they honestly introduce contrast.
But if appreciation is merely bait for criticism, a more sophisticated word will not make the praise sincere.
The solution is not vocabulary alone.
The solution is intention, timing, clarity, and respect.
WHEN “BUT” IS HONEST
The word BUT is not automatically wrong.
Sometimes contrast is exactly what we mean:
“I wanted to attend, but I became ill.”
“The plan is promising, but we do not yet have the funding.”
“I understand your explanation, but I disagree with the conclusion.”
These statements are not pretending to be praise.
They communicate a legitimate contrast.
The difficulty begins when we offer appreciation while mentally waiting to cancel, reduce, or redirect it.
That is the takeaway.
THE PERSON LISTENING IS AHEAD OF YOU
Listeners are often much quicker than speakers realize.
They detect the setup.
They hear the artificial sweetness.
They see that your body is preparing to deliver the message your mouth has not reached yet.
By the time BUT appears, they have already stopped listening.
Then we wonder why the correction was not received.
Perhaps the problem was not entirely the correction.
Perhaps it was the delivery.
RICHIE’S BETTER WAY
- Make appreciation truthful.
Do not invent praise merely to soften the person for what follows.
- Let praise stand alone.
Give encouragement its own moment.
- Separate feedback.
Do not attach correction to every compliment.
- Ask permission when appropriate.
“Would you like my thoughts on one possible improvement?”
- Be direct when urgency requires it.
Respectful clarity is better than disguised criticism.
- Ask constructive questions.
Invite the person to participate in the solution.
- Examine your motive.
Are you trying to help—or trying to have the last word?
PEARLS INSIGHT
Words may be small, but their placement gives them power.
BUT is only three letters.
Placed carelessly, it can cause everything before it to disappear.
Communication is not merely what you intended to say.
It is also what the other person was able to receive.
RICHIE SPEAKS
If you appreciate someone, appreciate them.
If you need to correct something, correct it respectfully.
Do not dress criticism as a compliment and then act surprised when the compliment is not believed.
Be a glow-maker—not a glow-giver who immediately asks for the glow back.
FINAL THOUGHT
Praise does not become more valuable because criticism follows it.
Allow the good to be good.
Allow appreciation to breathe.
When feedback is needed, give it honestly, clearly, and at the proper time.
That is addition without unnecessary subtraction.
FINAL SAY
Why say something good if you are immediately going to take away from it?
There has got to be a better way.
AND there is.
So, thank you for visiting this post…
BUT—
LOL.
Stop doing that.
— Richie
Pearls for the Soul
when you feed the soul, you feed everything.
https://pearlsforthesoul.com
Been expecting you