Dating apps, formulas, routines, agencies, questionnaires, algorithms, trial and error—everybody seems to have a system for bringing two people together.
Many of them also have a price.
But how does any of it profit you?
Finding another person is only part of the matter.
Knowing yourself, respecting the other person, handling rejection, deciding when to wait, and understanding what intimacy means are where the real relationship begins.
Before sharing your body, ask whether you have learned how to share your heart, truth, boundaries, and intentions.
LONELINESS HAS SOMETHING TO SAY
Loneliness is part of the human experience.
It can tell us that we need connection, companionship, friendship, community, or a deeper relationship.
But loneliness should not be allowed to make every decision.
A lonely person may accept what a clear-minded person would question.
A lonely person may rush.
Ignore warning signs.
Confuse attention with love.
Mistake physical closeness for emotional intimacy.
The desire to be with another person is wholesome.
The desperation to be with anybody can become dangerous.
Listen to loneliness—but do not give it the steering wheel.
SHARING AND CARING
Sharing and caring do not need to be regulated by an app.
They need to be practiced.
Offer kindness, interest, respect, encouragement, and attention to the people you encounter.
On a scale from one to ten, most people gladly receive sincere appreciation.
You assign the score.
The receivers are everywhere.
Sometimes the givers seem to be missing.
Do you get it?
Becoming a caring, interested, emotionally available person opens the world of relationships long before the first official date.
You are practicing how to connect.
MAKING IT A BUSINESS?
There are many ways to pursue a result.
Results do not lie.
Lack of results does not lie either.
Where are you within this fascinating—and sometimes frustrating—subject?
Are you waiting?
Searching?
Recovering?
Avoiding?
Repeating the same pattern?
Blaming every possible companion?
Leaving your heart entirely in the hands of third parties?
Dating can be assisted by technology or professionals.
That is fine.
But the central responsibility cannot be outsourced.
Eventually, you must appear.
INTIMACY—KNOWING AND BEING KNOWN
Intimacy is more than sex.
Intimacy is knowing and being known.
It is allowing another person to see what is true while creating enough safety for that person to do the same.
It includes:
Honest conversation.
Listening.
Trust.
Emotional availability.
Respect.
Consistency.
Vulnerability.
Mutual affection.
Boundaries.
Consent.
Physical intimacy may become part of a relationship between consenting adults.
But physical access is not the same as emotional knowledge.
A person may reveal the body while keeping the heart, history, intentions, and character completely hidden.
That is contact.
It is not necessarily intimacy.
BRING YOURSELF CURRENT
Instead of treating dating like submitting a résumé and waiting for an interview, become personally involved in your own life.
Update yourself.
What do you want?
What can you offer?
What have previous relationships taught you?
What behavior will you no longer accept?
What behavior in yourself needs work?
Are you emotionally available—or merely bored?
Are you seeking companionship, commitment, marriage, intimacy, attention, or temporary entertainment?
There is no honest journey without an honest starting point.
DO NOT PICK A NUMBER AND DISAPPEAR
Do not surrender your entire heart to an algorithm and then sit quietly until your number is called.
Use the app if it helps.
Ask trusted friends for introductions.
Attend events.
Join groups.
Volunteer.
Participate in activities you genuinely enjoy.
Speak with people naturally.
Let your life become visible.
Do not permit a third party to toy with your heart.
At the same time, do not blame the third party for choices you continue making.
Help can help.
You must still become the frontline player.
MATCHMAKING WORKS
Matchmaking has existed far longer than dating applications.
Family members introduced people.
Friends introduced people.
Neighbors noticed compatibility.
Communities brought people together.
At book signings, I have asked strangers:
“Would you like to find someone to love?”
“Are you looking?”
“Is that important to you?”
The answer is frequently a nod and a yes.
Fine.
Welcome to personal networking.
Someone you meet may be available.
That person may know somebody else.
A conversation may lead to friendship.
Friendship may lead to an introduction.
An introduction may lead nowhere—and still provide practice in being open, present, and social.
Not every meeting becomes romance.
Every respectful meeting can still teach something.
POTENTIALS
- When greeting someone, the meeting is already in progress. Allow it to unfold naturally.
- If that person is not a romantic possibility, the conversation may lead to friendship or a word-of-mouth introduction.
- While practicing openness and conversation, you are learning how to present your authentic self.
- Be prepared for any response:
“I’m married.”
“I’m not available.”
“No, thank you.”
“I don’t know you.”
“Why are you asking?”
“What do you want?”
Some questions deserve calm and honest answers.
A clear “no” requires only one:
“I understand. Have a good day.”
PHOOEY ON REJECTION—SORT OF
Most people do not enjoy rejection.
It can hurt.
It can embarrass.
It can awaken every old insecurity waiting nearby.
Men may struggle greatly with rejection, especially when they were taught to measure worth by conquest, confidence, or always getting a yes.
But someone declining your invitation is not necessarily declaring you worthless.
It may mean:
They are unavailable.
They are not interested.
They are cautious.
They want something different.
The timing is wrong.
Or there is simply no match.
You cannot make a relational gain without accepting some emotional risk.
Short-term discomfort may be the price of long-term possibility.
Feel the uncertainty.
Then you will know.
But always respect the answer.
DATING—WE MAKE IT COMPLEX
Dating can be simple without being careless.
Two adults become interested.
They spend time together.
They observe.
They speak honestly.
They decide whether trust, compatibility, attraction, values, and affection are growing.
Then they continue—or they do not.
We make it confusing when we hide intentions, perform false versions of ourselves, rush physical intimacy, ignore boundaries, or expect another person to cure every loneliness within us.
How something begins often influences how it develops.
Start with clarity.
Start with respect.
Start with truth.
WAITING IS ALSO A CHOICE
Waiting is not failure.
Waiting can protect judgment.
It allows consistency to reveal itself.
People can perform well for one evening.
Time shows patterns.
Do words and actions agree?
How does the person handle frustration?
Do they respect boundaries?
Can they apologize?
Do they listen?
How do they speak about former partners?
Are they kind when there is nothing to gain?
Waiting does not guarantee a perfect result.
It gives reality more time to introduce itself.
SEX DOES NOT ANSWER EVERY QUESTION
Sex may deepen an already trusting adult relationship.
It may also complicate a relationship whose intentions remain unclear.
Before consenting to physical intimacy, adults should be able to discuss:
Consent.
Exclusivity or non-exclusivity.
Sexual health.
Protection and contraception where relevant.
Emotional expectations.
Boundaries.
Privacy.
What the relationship means to each person.
Consent must be voluntary, informed, mutual, specific, and reversible.
A yes to one thing is not a yes to everything.
A yes yesterday is not automatically a yes today.
Pressure is not romance.
Silence is not permission.
The body should not be asked to make promises the relationship has not discussed.
STEP UP, THEN STEP OUT
Pearls for Girls: In Seeking Cupid, Don’t Be Stupid returns the reader to the basics.
It offers feedback, guidance, warnings, and situations for the reader to consider.
But the reader must do the doing.
The book cannot attend the date.
The app cannot build trust.
The matchmaker cannot create chemistry.
Eventually, it ends up with you.
So why not begin with you?
Step up.
Then step out.
LEARN WITHOUT THE BURN
Women and men of all adult ages may benefit from examining how they approach relationships.
Starting out.
Starting over.
Dating after trauma.
Dating after divorce.
Marriage.
Dysfunction.
Identity.
Love.
Boundaries.
Companionship.
Physical intimacy.
The goal is not to become suspicious of everyone.
The goal is to become wise enough to recognize what you are entering.
WORTHY NOTE: Do you want to rent this subject—or own your understanding of it?
WANTING TO BE WITH SOMEONE
Wanting companionship is not new.
Human beings have always sought people with whom to share labor, laughter, family, grief, affection, faith, meals, dreams, aging, and ordinary days.
The desire for two people to become close is sound.
Sometimes the people using the system become confused.
The experience begins sucking the life out of them instead of adding life to the journey.
Return to the essentials:
Know yourself.
Respect the other person.
Tell the truth.
Listen carefully.
Proceed at a pace that allows reality to remain visible.
FINAL THOUGHT
Your heart contains many of the desires of your life.
Learn when and how to release them.
Explore your well-being privately.
Then bring your healthier self into public.
Dating asks you to be seen.
Waiting allows you to see clearly.
Sex requires enough trust and communication for two adults to share responsibly.
Do not begin with conquest.
Begin with connection.
PEARLS INSIGHT
Healthy dating begins with self-knowledge. Healthy waiting allows character to become visible. Healthy intimacy requires mutual trust, respect, communication, boundaries, and consent.
PEARLS FROM THE BOOKS
Pearls for Girls: In Seeking Cupid, Don’t Be Stupid encourages readers to become active, thoughtful participants in their relationship journey instead of handing every decision to an app, agency, fantasy, or fear.
PEARLS CONNECTION
Are you seeking a person to share your life—or expecting another person to supply the life you have not yet built?
RICHIE SPEAKS
I am not against dating apps.
I am against disappearing inside one.
Use the tool.
Do not become the tool.
At some point, look up, speak honestly, accept the answer, and let two real people decide whether something real is there.
FINAL SAY
Know your heart before you share it.
Respect another person’s heart when it is shared with you.
Take the risk of saying hello.
Accept no with dignity.
Let time reveal character.
Do not confuse physical access with intimacy.
Step up.
Then step out.
Cupid may carry the arrow—but you remain responsible for where you stand.
— Richie
Pearls for the Soul
when you feed the soul, you feed everything.
https://pearlsforthesoul.com
Been expecting you