It is easy to hear what somebody else is doing wrong.
It gets a little more interesting when the finger turns around.
Sometimes the person we least expect to meet in the problem…
is ME.
Many years ago, when I was a newlywed and did not have a clue about much of anything, my young bride and I reached an impasse.
Back then, marriage counseling was becoming fashionable.
We decided to go.
And I still think that can be a good sign.
It means you are trying to protect the original investment.
The marriage.
So off we went.
And naturally…
I felt pretty confident my wife was about to get the help SHE NEEDED.
LOL.
NOW YOU WILL SEE THE PROBLEM
So there we are sitting in front of a licensed professional.
We pick an issue.
My wife goes first.
The counselor begins exploring her part of the situation.
And what do I do?
I jump right in.
“You see?”
“There it is.”
“She is doing it again.”
“Now you know why we are here.”
In my mind, we had just saved a tremendous amount of time.
Case closed.
Problem identified.
Send in the repair crew.
Little did I know that all that commentary coming out of me was also part of the problem making itself known.
UN-OH…I KNOW THAT PERSON…YIKES!
When we are looking at somebody else, our eyesight can become amazingly sharp.
We notice everything.
Tone.
Timing.
Words.
Facial expressions.
Habits.
Patterns.
Every t crossed.
Every i dotted.
YEP.
THEY are the problem.
Then comes your turn.
And suddenly…
the lighting in the room changes.
The pain and the learning begin when the attention moves from:
WHAT THEY DID
to
WHAT DID YOU DO?
That hot seat is no respecter of persons.
Eventually the enemy is sighted.
And sometimes…
of all people…
it looks like ME.
PAUSE FOR CAUSE.
That may be one of the most useful discoveries a person can make.
THE POWER OF DYSFUNCTION IS NOT TO BE UNDERESTIMATED
Taking responsibility for your own actions is only the beginning.
Sometimes it takes a while.
Why?
Ego.
Pride.
Defensiveness.
Old habits.
Fear of being wrong.
Fear that admitting one mistake means everything about us is wrong.
It does not.
But the ego does not always like nuance.
It wants to win.
It wants to defend.
It wants to explain.
It wants to prove.
Sometimes the truth has to wait outside while pride finishes giving its speech.
Eventually, if you truly want to see yourself, you can arrive at a better place.
It helps when someone in your life is strong enough to stay the course with you.
Not attack you.
Not humiliate you.
But keep holding up the mirror.
WHO AM I?…IS A GOOD START
Sometimes what has to change is not your entire personality.
It may only be a belief.
A reaction.
A learned behavior.
A faulty interpretation.
A habit that has been running so long you think it is YOU.
That is where things get interesting.
People can become so separated from their own deeper judgment that they cannot easily tell the difference between:
what they learned,
what they fear,
what they assume,
and what is actually true.
That is why asking:
WHO AM I?
can be a useful beginning.
Not as philosophy for its own sake.
As investigation.
What do I actually believe?
What did I merely inherit?
What am I defending?
Why?
YOUR PROGRAM IS RUNNING WILD
Human beings are full of programming.
Family programming.
Cultural programming.
Past relationship programming.
Fear programming.
Success programming.
Failure programming.
We sometimes hear the program instead of the actual words being spoken.
I have had people repeat back to me what they think I said.
And they use words I never said.
Then I ask:
“Did I actually say those words?”
And eventually…
“No.”
There it is.
The mind filled in the blanks.
It interpreted.
It assumed.
It translated.
Then reacted to the translation as though it were fact.
That can happen with actions too.
Someone does one thing.
We assign a motive.
Then we respond to the motive WE CREATED.
Now both people are arguing about something that may never have existed.
BECOMING LIKE LITTLE CHILDREN…WORKS
There is something useful about the way children learn.
They are open.
They ask questions.
They change their minds.
They make mistakes.
Then they move on.
Adults can become more complicated.
We attach identity to being right.
So admitting error feels dangerous.
That is one reason mistakes become harder to correct than they need to be.
The adult world can make being wrong feel like a character defect.
It is not.
A mistake is often information.
A misunderstanding is often an invitation to clarify.
An error can become a doorway.
But only if pride does not block it.
BITE THE BULLET
Rather than argue endlessly or practice stubbornness, one would do well to explore remedy.
Solution.
Correction.
Responsibility.
Sometimes that means biting the bullet.
Admitting:
“I heard you wrong.”
“I assumed too much.”
“I said that.”
“I did that.”
“I was defensive.”
“I was part of the problem.”
Those are not weak statements.
They are expensive statements.
Why?
Because ego hates paying for them.
But the return can be tremendous.
Clarity.
Trust.
Growth.
A better future.
RICHIE SPEAKS
Here is one Richie rule:
If every problem in your life is always somebody else’s fault…
you may have discovered a clue.
Another:
The mirror is not your enemy.
It is information.
And one more:
Do not argue with words nobody actually said.
PEARLS FROM THE BOOKS
From the spirit of Pearls for the Soul:
“Self-awareness begins when we become as curious about our own behavior as we are about everyone else’s.”
From the spirit of God I AM:
“What is true within us becomes clearer when pride stops editing the evidence.”
From the spirit of It Is Finished:
“A mistake admitted has already begun losing its power.”
PEARLS INSIGHT
Misunderstandings often grow because people react not only to what was said, but to what they THINK was meant.
Past experiences, assumptions, fear, and learned patterns can all influence interpretation.
That is why good communication requires checking the facts.
What was actually said?
What was actually done?
What did I add to it?
Taking responsibility for our own contribution does not mean accepting blame for everything.
It means being honest about the part that belongs to us.
PEARLS CONNECTION
This connects directly with THE LEARNING CURVE.
Self-awareness is learned through experience, feedback, correction, and repetition.
It also connects with PROBLEM SOLVING…SLAY THE DRAGON NOT THE PEOPLE.
Sometimes the dragon is not the other person.
Sometimes it is our interpretation.
And MORE VALUABLE THAN GOLD…A PERSON’S WORD reminds us that words matter enough to deserve accurate hearing.
If someone did not say it…
do not convict them for it.
FINAL SAY
I NEVER SAID THAT.
YES YOU DID.
Maybe.
Maybe not.
Before the argument grows another set of legs…
CHECK.
What was actually said?
What did you hear?
What did you assume?
What part did your own programming add?
Then look at yourself with the same sharp eyesight you used on everybody else.
That is where growth begins.
The hot seat can be uncomfortable.
Fine.
Sit in it anyway.
Because sometimes the person who needs the most honest conversation in the room…
is the one looking back at you.
And that may be one of the wisest investments you ever make.
— Richie
Pearls for the Soul
when you feed the soul, you feed everything.
https://pearlsforthesoul.com
Been expecting you