Have you ever noticed what happens after someone says:
“I really like what you did…”
Your mind relaxes.
Then comes one little word.
BUT.
And suddenly everything that came before it starts disappearing.
The English language is full of interesting words.
Some build.
Some connect.
Some encourage.
And some…
Take away.
One of the biggest offenders is a tiny three-letter word we use every day:
BUT.
If you have ever raised children, managed employees, supervised people, coached a team, taught a class, or simply been married, you have probably used it.
And if you have lived longer than five minutes, you have certainly had it used on you.
IT STARTS OUT INNOCENTLY ENOUGH
Someone approaches you and says:
“I really appreciate all your hard work…BUT.”
“I like your idea…BUT.”
“You did a great job…BUT.”
“I hear what you’re saying…BUT.”
“Everything is fine…BUT.”
The moment the word BUT appears, the listener immediately shifts gears.
The compliment is no longer the focus.
The criticism is.
The encouragement is gone.
The correction is now center stage.
WHY?
Because BUT is often a subtraction word.
THE MATH DOESN’T LIE
Think of it this way.
You begin by adding something positive.
Then you use BUT.
Immediately afterward, you begin subtracting from what you just added.
It becomes a strange form of communication.
Add.
Subtract.
Compliment.
Withdraw.
Build.
Dismantle.
The person receiving the message instinctively feels it.
THE LISTENER IS ALREADY AHEAD OF YOU
Experienced listeners know exactly what is coming.
The moment they hear:
“I really like what you did…”
their minds become alert.
They are waiting.
Listening.
Preparing.
Anticipating.
And when BUT finally arrives, they often stop hearing everything else.
The human mind has already assigned greater weight to what follows.
This is why parents, managers, teachers, and spouses sometimes become frustrated.
They think the positive statement was heard.
Often it wasn’t.
The BUT erased it.
HOWEVER…
NOW WE ARE TALKING
Some people discover a useful alternative.
The word HOWEVER.
Unlike BUT, it feels less like a cancellation and more like a continuation.
Consider the difference:
“You did a great job, BUT you missed a few details.”
versus
“You did a great job. HOWEVER, there are a few details we should review.”
Same message.
Different feeling.
One cancels.
One continues.
One subtracts.
One refines.
WORDS HAVE WEIGHT
Throughout life I have noticed that communication is not simply about what we say.
It is also about what people hear.
That is a very different thing.
Many arguments begin not because of intention but because of interpretation.
People hear what we mean through the filter of their experiences, fears, hopes, wounds, and expectations.
That is why wise communicators choose their words carefully.
PEARLS TO PONDER
“People hear with their hearts long before they hear with their ears.”
“Direction, correction, and suggestion work best when delivered with respect.”
“Truth should illuminate, not humiliate.”
“The purpose of communication is understanding, not winning.”
“Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don’t be mean when you say it.”
One of the greatest gifts we can give another human being is to make them feel heard while helping them grow.
THE REAL ISSUE
The real problem isn’t the word BUT.
The real problem is our tendency to take away when we should be building up.
We are often quick to point out flaws.
Slow to acknowledge strengths.
Quick to criticize.
Slow to encourage.
Quick to correct.
Slow to appreciate.
Perhaps a better balance is needed.
Perhaps people need more building and less tearing down.
Perhaps we all do.
WHAT THEN?
The next time you find yourself ready to use the word BUT…
Pause.
Ask yourself:
Am I adding?
Or am I subtracting?
Am I building?
Or am I taking away?
Because words leave fingerprints on the soul.
Use yours wisely.
And thank you for reading this post…
However…
Don’t stop thinking about it now.
— Richie
Pearls for the Soul
when you feed the soul, you feed everything.
https://pearlsforthesoul.com
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