Suppose there was something about you that everybody else noticed…
But nobody wanted to tell you.
Would you want to know?
I WOULD.
Because sometimes the person doing the damage…
IS THE LAST PERSON TO SEE IT.
As we go through life, it is important to remain open and receptive.
Why?
Because we cannot see ourselves from every angle.
Other people occasionally see things in us that we cannot see—or do not want to see.
That is where feedback and input become valuable.
A little information can help us make a course correction.
A behavioral adjustment.
A professional improvement.
Sometimes even a personal one.
But feedback only works if the person receiving it is willing to consider the possibility:
MAYBE THERE IS SOMETHING HERE I NEED TO HEAR.
This true-life story taught me that lesson in a way I never forgot.
I WAS ASKED FOR A FAVOR
At the time, I managed a large restaurant with about eighty employees.
One day, one of the owners called.
That was unusual because the owners generally left the general managers alone to operate their individual units.
We hired.
We trained.
We scheduled.
We disciplined.
We ran the operation.
So when the owner said:
“I want to ask you a favor…”
I understood that he really meant a favor.
He had a friend whose daughter needed some part-time summer work.
Could I fit her in somewhere?
I regularly hired young people for part-time positions.
So my answer was simple:
NO PROBLEM.
THE INTERVIEW
She came in.
Right away, I noticed something.
ATTITUDE.
She seemed sharp.
A little uppity.
A little too impressed with the fact that she had connections.
Still, she answered my questions.
She was young.
It was part-time work.
People mature.
People learn.
People improve.
I thought:
I CAN WORK WITH THIS.
So I hired her.
THEN THE REAL WORLD ARRIVED
Once she started working, the attitude became more obvious.
She carried herself as though everyone knew:
I GOT THIS JOB BECAUSE I KNOW SOMEBODY.
There wasn’t much humility in the presentation.
There was a sense of power attached to the connection.
That alone was becoming a management issue.
Then employees began coming to me with another complaint.
Her personal hygiene.
They were not trying to be funny.
They were uncomfortable working closely with her because there was a persistent body odor that was difficult to ignore.
Now I had two problems.
ATTITUDE.
And HYGIENE.
Either one can affect a workplace.
Together?
DOUBLE WHAMMY.
NOBODY WANTED TO HAVE THE CONVERSATION
I called over one of my most experienced trainers.
Ten years in the business.
She knew employees.
She knew how to coach people.
She had handled almost everything.
I asked her if she could privately address the hygiene issue.
She came back and essentially told me:
“I can’t get close enough to have the conversation.”
Now, restaurant people develop a certain sense of humor.
You almost have to.
Every time you think you have seen everything…
THE BUSINESS INTRODUCES SOMETHING NEW.
We laughed.
But after the laughter stopped, I still had a problem.
MANAGEMENT DOESN’T GET TO IGNORE THE UNCOMFORTABLE THINGS
Several days had gone by.
Employees were complaining.
The workplace was being affected.
And in a restaurant, hygiene matters for another obvious reason:
CUSTOMERS.
I could no longer pretend the situation would somehow correct itself.
Managers do not get paid only to handle the easy conversations.
Sometimes management means sitting across from somebody and saying something neither person wants to discuss.
So I decided to speak with her privately.
Because the subject was personal and sensitive, I had an experienced female employee present as a witness.
Then we sat down.
ISSUE NUMBER ONE: ATTITUDE
I decided to start with the easier subject.
Or so I thought.
I tried everything.
Correct.
Nudge.
Guide.
Mentor.
Explain.
Ask questions.
Give examples.
I was trying to reach her without humiliating her.
But I could not move her an inch.
She did not believe she had an attitude problem.
More importantly…
SHE WOULD NOT EVEN CONSIDER THE POSSIBILITY.
That was when I realized the second conversation did not have much of a chance.
If a person refuses to consider something as ordinary as:
“Your behavior toward your coworkers needs adjustment…”
Imagine what happens when the subject becomes:
“We need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
CONNECTIONS CAN CREATE A FALSE SENSE OF SECURITY
She seemed to draw confidence from one fact:
Her parents knew the owners.
In her mind, that apparently placed her outside the normal rules.
I understood something she did not.
A business cannot operate that way.
The owner may be your friend.
Your parents may know somebody.
You may have entered through a connection.
Fine.
But once you are on the floor with everyone else…
THE JOB STILL HAS REQUIREMENTS.
You still have coworkers.
Customers.
Standards.
Expectations.
A connection may open the door.
It cannot do the work for you once you are inside.
THEN SHE ENDED THE CONVERSATION
Eventually she became angry and said something like:
“I DO NOT HAVE TO SIT HERE AND PUT UP WITH THIS. I’M LEAVING.”
I told her plainly:
“If you leave this meeting, you are leaving the job.”
Her response:
“That’s fine with me.”
At that point, the employment decision had essentially been made by her.
She stood up and started walking away.
I still wanted her to hear one last thing that might help her somewhere else.
So I told her:
“If you intend to continue working with the public, you also need to look into your personal hygiene.”
She was offended.
She kept walking.
And that was the end of her employment with me.
THEN CAME THE OTHER VERSION
Of course, another story quickly emerged.
I was rude.
I was unfair.
I treated her badly.
I was unprofessional.
That report went to her parents.
Her parents contacted the owner.
The owner called me.
Fortunately, he knew me.
He simply asked:
“What happened?”
I explained the entire event.
The employee complaints.
The coaching attempt.
The witness.
Her refusal to accept feedback.
Her decision to leave the meeting.
The hygiene issue.
Everything.
He listened.
Then essentially said:
DROP IT.
And that was the end of it.
BUT I NEVER COMPLETELY DROPPED THE LESSON
I thought about her afterward.
Not because of the smell.
Not even primarily because of the attitude.
I thought about what happens to somebody who cannot receive information they do not like.
That becomes a much bigger problem.
Because life is constantly giving us feedback.
Employers give feedback.
Spouses give feedback.
Customers give feedback.
Children give feedback.
Friends give feedback.
Results give feedback.
Consequences give feedback.
Even failure gives feedback.
And sometimes twenty-five people can see something that the one person involved refuses to acknowledge.
That is dangerous.
IF EVERYBODY ELSE SEES IT…
Consider this:
If one person criticizes you, maybe they are wrong.
If two people criticize you, maybe both are wrong.
But if the same observation keeps arriving from different people…
You might want to investigate.
That does not mean automatically accepting every criticism.
People can be unfair.
Jealous.
Mistaken.
Manipulative.
Wrong.
But maturity means being willing to ask:
IS THERE ANY TRUTH IN THIS?
That question can save years of trouble.
WOULD YOU WANT TO KNOW?
That is the real point of this Pearl.
Suppose:
You had bad breath.
Would you want somebody you trusted to tell you?
Suppose your clothing was inappropriate for your profession.
Would you want to know?
Suppose you constantly interrupted people.
Would you want to know?
Suppose everybody found you difficult to work with.
Would you want to know?
Suppose your attitude was driving people away.
Would you want to know?
Suppose there was a hygiene problem you genuinely could not detect yourself.
WOULD YOU WANT TO KNOW?
My answer is YES.
Tell me.
Preferably privately.
Respectfully.
Specifically.
But tell me.
Because you cannot correct information you never receive.
THE DELIVERY MATTERS TOO
There is another side to this lesson.
Giving difficult feedback carries responsibility.
Do not embarrass people publicly.
Do not turn someone’s personal issue into entertainment.
Do not exaggerate.
Do not gossip about something that should be handled privately.
Do not attack the person.
ADDRESS THE ISSUE.
There is a difference between:
“YOU ARE DISGUSTING.”
and:
“There is a personal hygiene issue affecting the workplace, and I wanted to make you aware of it privately so you have an opportunity to address it.”
One attacks dignity.
The other preserves it while still addressing reality.
Truth does not require cruelty.
FEEDBACK IS INFORMATION
Feedback is not automatically judgment.
Sometimes it is simply information.
Here is how your behavior affected me.
Here is how your customer experienced you.
Here is what your coworkers are noticing.
Here is what the numbers show.
Here is where the problem occurred.
Now…
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH THE INFORMATION?
That is where growth begins.
ATTITUDE CAN MAKE A SMALL PROBLEM LARGE
The hygiene issue was correctable.
Shower.
Change products.
Wash clothing differently.
See a doctor if something unusual continues.
There are solutions.
But attitude?
Attitude can block access to every solution.
That was the larger danger.
A correctable problem becomes difficult when the person refuses to acknowledge that a problem exists.
That is true far beyond personal hygiene.
It applies to:
Money.
Marriage.
Business.
Parenting.
Health habits.
Communication.
Leadership.
Everything.
You cannot repair what you refuse to inspect.
FINAL THOUGHT
Sometimes the person giving you uncomfortable feedback is not attacking you.
They may be giving you something valuable.
INFORMATION YOU CANNOT SEE FROM YOUR SIDE OF THE MIRROR.
So before becoming defensive…
PAUSE FOR CAUSE.
Listen.
Consider.
Investigate.
Then decide whether an adjustment is necessary.
Because the most expensive problem may not be the problem itself.
It may be the attitude that says:
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME.
PEARLS INSIGHT
Constructive feedback helps individuals identify behaviors, habits and professional issues that may be difficult to recognize independently. Effective feedback should be specific, private and respectful, while effective recipients remain willing to examine recurring observations without automatically becoming defensive. Self-awareness grows when feedback is treated as information rather than an attack on personal worth.
PEARLS FROM THE BOOKS
A recurring principle throughout Pearls for the Soul is:
YOU CANNOT CORRECT WHAT YOU REFUSE TO SEE.
Awareness begins when we become willing to examine ourselves honestly.
The purpose is not self-condemnation.
The purpose is adjustment.
Learn.
Correct.
Continue.
PEARLS CONNECTION
This Pearl connects directly with:
HOW TO INCREASE YOUR PERSONAL AWARENESS
and
DYSFUNCTIONAL BEHAVIOR… CAUSE, CURE AND EFFECT
Awareness asks us to observe ourselves.
Feedback gives us another set of eyes.
Then maturity asks:
CAN I HEAR SOMETHING UNCOMFORTABLE WITHOUT AUTOMATICALLY REJECTING IT?
That ability can change a life.
RICHIE SPEAKS
If I smell…
TELL ME.
If my attitude stinks too…
YOU BETTER TELL ME THAT.
I may not enjoy hearing it.
But I would rather experience five uncomfortable minutes today than five unnecessary years wondering why people keep backing away from me.
Feedback is information.
USE IT.
The mirror shows the front.
Other people sometimes see the back.
— Richie
Pearls for the Soul
when you feed the soul, you feed everything.
pearlsforthesoul.com
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