She helps him see what he misses.
He helps her hear what she misses.
Neither one is perfect.
Together…
THEY HAVE BECOME EYES AND EARS FOR EACH OTHER.
And after forty years, they taught me something about love.
I know a couple who had been married for about forty years when I came to know them.
A very pleasant twosome.
Intelligent.
Kind.
Giving.
Easy to be around.
At first glance, there was nothing particularly unusual about them.
Then I was introduced to their own special dynamics.
You know…
The little things that make two people THEM.
The arrangements they have worked out.
The accommodations nobody else notices.
The ways two lives gradually learn how to move together through life’s thrills…
Chills…
And ills.
And once I saw what was happening between these two, I was deeply touched.
THE WIFE
The wife has considerable difficulty hearing.
Conversation works much better when you get her attention first and face her directly.
She watches you carefully while you speak.
Your face matters.
Your mouth matters.
Your expression matters.
She apparently uses some lip-reading along with the hearing she still has.
So communication requires a little more awareness.
You don’t casually throw words toward her from across the room and assume she heard them.
You CONNECT first.
Then you communicate.
Interesting lesson right there.
THE HUSBAND
Her husband has significant limitations with his eyesight.
He wears multifocal glasses and needs to position himself properly to see things clearly.
Certain angles make things difficult.
Looking straight ahead works better.
His night vision creates additional challenges.
So he too has learned to adapt.
Position.
Focus.
Adjust.
Take a little more time.
I’M BRIEFED ON HER
Here is where this became beautiful to me.
HE tells me about HER.
He quietly lets me know:
“She doesn’t hear very well.”
He explains that it helps if I face her.
Get her attention.
Let her see me speaking.
No embarrassment.
No great announcement.
Just useful information from a husband who has obviously done this many times.
I immediately adjust.
I notice myself beginning to speak louder.
Then I realize something.
LOUDER isn’t necessarily the whole answer.
ATTENTION is.
Face her.
Let her know you are talking to her.
Make the communication clear.
And if she still doesn’t understand something?
There he is.
Her husband.
Ready to help communicate it.
Almost forty years together will apparently make you pretty good at that.
THEN I’M BRIEFED ON HIM
And then something wonderful happens.
SHE tells me about HIM.
She explains his eyesight.
What he can see.
What creates difficulty.
How he needs to position himself.
Where he needs some assistance.
Do you see what is happening here?
HE IS HER EARS.
SHE IS HIS EYES.
I stood there taking this in…
And my heart turned into liquid butter.
GRACE
There was a grace about them.
That is the word that kept coming to me.
GRACE.
Neither one spent their time announcing:
“Look what I have to put up with.”
There was no visible resentment.
No scorekeeping.
No:
I DID THIS FOR YOU, SO NOW YOU OWE ME.
They had simply incorporated each other’s limitations into the marriage.
After enough years together, helping the other person had become part of normal life.
He watches out for what she cannot hear.
She watches out for what he cannot see.
And somewhere along the journey…
THE “ME” BECAME “US.”
That is partnership.
LESS THAN PERFECT CIRCUMSTANCES
We sometimes imagine the perfect relationship as two perfectly functioning people entering perfectly favorable circumstances.
Good luck finding that.
Human beings come with things.
Strengths.
Weaknesses.
Habits.
Fears.
Physical limitations.
Emotional histories.
Preferences.
Quirks.
Age eventually brings a few additions of its own.
The question isn’t whether two people will encounter imperfections.
THEY WILL.
The question is:
WHAT DO THEY DO WITH THEM?
These two showed me one answer.
They compensated for one another.
Not begrudgingly.
Naturally.
LOVE DOES NOT REQUIRE PERFECT CONDITIONS
That may be one of the great misunderstandings about love.
We think everything must be just right.
Right person.
Right time.
Right circumstances.
Right health.
Right finances.
Right everything.
But real life rarely stays “right” for long.
Something changes.
Bodies change.
Circumstances change.
Abilities change.
Fortunes change.
One day you may be the stronger one.
Another day you may be the one who needs the hand.
That is where love moves from an emotion into an action.
I CAN DO THIS FOR YOU.
YOU CAN DO THAT FOR ME.
Between us…
WE’LL FIGURE IT OUT.
LIVING YOUR PORTION OF LIFE
So they move a little slower.
Fine.
They take a little more time to communicate.
Fine.
They pay closer attention to one another.
Maybe that isn’t a disadvantage at all.
Think about it.
How many couples with perfect hearing don’t listen to each other?
How many people with excellent eyesight stop seeing the person standing right in front of them?
This woman has trouble hearing…
Yet she pays attention.
This man has trouble seeing…
Yet he notices what his wife needs.
There is something worth learning in that.
Good ears do not guarantee listening.
Good eyes do not guarantee seeing.
LOVE REQUIRES SOMETHING MORE.
THE US IS BORN… NOT THE I
Marriage at its best develops another identity.
There is still a YOU.
There is still a ME.
But something else begins to exist.
US.
That US becomes capable of things that either individual might struggle with alone.
Where you are weak…
I help.
Where I am weak…
You help.
Where neither one of us knows what to do…
WE figure it out together.
That is why I have said before:
THE US IS BORN… NOT THE I.
This couple made that idea visible.
WHAT LOOKS LIKE LOSS CAN CREATE SOMETHING ELSE
I am not going to pretend that losing hearing or eyesight is desirable.
It isn’t.
These are genuine difficulties.
They create inconvenience.
Frustration.
Dependence.
Adjustment.
And sometimes fear about what may come next.
But human beings possess an extraordinary ability to adapt.
And loving human beings can adapt TOGETHER.
That is what moved me.
The limitations were real.
But they were not the whole story.
Something else had grown around them.
Patience.
Awareness.
Dependability.
Communication.
Trust.
Tenderness.
THE WONDER OF IT ALL
As time continues, she may hear less.
He may see less.
Age may introduce other challenges neither of them can presently anticipate.
That is life.
But after watching these two, I found myself wondering:
What have they gained while losing something else?
Maybe greater awareness of one another.
Greater dependence upon one another.
Greater appreciation.
Greater patience.
Greater communication.
Greater closeness.
I cannot measure those things.
I can only observe them.
And respect them.
DON’T MISS THE GREATER PICTURE
We are very quick to identify what somebody lacks.
Can’t hear.
Can’t see.
Can’t walk as quickly.
Can’t do what they once did.
Maybe we should occasionally ask another question:
WHAT CAN THEY DO?
These two can adapt.
They can communicate.
They can care.
They can help.
They can laugh.
They can continue living.
And after approximately forty years together…
THEY CAN LOVE.
That seems considerably more important to me.
FINAL THOUGHT
She cannot hear everything.
He cannot see everything.
But somehow…
THEY SEE AND HEAR EACH OTHER.
Maybe that is the greater lesson.
Love does not always remove the difficulty.
Sometimes love simply says:
WHERE YOU HAVE TROUBLE…
I’LL HELP.
And when two people keep doing that long enough…
A beautiful thing happens.
They stop merely traveling beside one another.
THEY BEGIN CARRYING PARTS OF THE JOURNEY FOR EACH OTHER.
PEARLS INSIGHT
Long-term relationships are strengthened by adaptation, attention, empathy, and reciprocal support. Physical limitations or changing abilities do not eliminate intimacy; couples can develop practical ways of compensating for one another while preserving independence and dignity. Love becomes especially visible when partners learn not merely to recognize each other’s needs, but to quietly incorporate those needs into everyday life.
PEARLS FROM THE BOOKS
A recurring theme throughout Pearls for the Soul is that human connection reaches its highest expression when the self expands enough to include another person.
Love eventually asks:
WHAT DO YOU NEED FROM ME?
And partnership answers:
WHAT YOU CANNOT DO EASILY TODAY…
PERHAPS I CAN HELP YOU DO.
That is not weakness.
That is two people functioning as something larger than either one alone.
PEARLS CONNECTION
This Pearl connects directly with:
THE US IS BORN… NOT THE I
and
TEAMWORK MAKES THE DREAMWORK
But here teamwork is not about business.
It is about two human beings.
He helps her hear.
She helps him see.
Neither person’s limitation defines the marriage.
Their response to each other does.
THAT IS THE US AT WORK.
RICHIE SPEAKS
She can’t hear everything.
He can’t see everything.
Big deal.
He helps her.
She helps him.
Forty years later…
THEY’RE STILL GOING.
Maybe we spend too much time looking for perfect people…
And not enough time learning how to love imperfect ones.
Good ears don’t mean you listen.
Good eyes don’t mean you see.
These two taught me something better:
LOVE PAYS ATTENTION.
— Richie
Pearls for the Soul
when you feed the soul, you feed everything.
pearlsforthesoul.com
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