Sex is not love.
It may be part of intimacy…
but intimacy goes much deeper.
People want to be wanted, known, held, understood and loved.
Sex is not love.
Somewhere over generations of time, sex became confused with intimacy, and I believe we have paid a price for that confusion.
Men especially still have much to learn about how important it can be to simply HOLD a woman.
No agenda.
No demand.
No expectation.
Just closeness.
And women are not alone in needing that.
Both people need to feel personally wanted.
Seen.
Appreciated.
Important.
Connected.
Human beings need large doses of this.
SEX IS OVER-STATED AND OVER-RATED
Sex plays a relatively small part in the total life shared by two people when compared with TIME.
Think about it.
How much of a long relationship is actually spent having sex?
Now compare that with:
talking,
working,
eating,
driving,
raising children,
solving problems,
paying bills,
laughing,
worrying,
helping,
waiting,
sitting quietly,
growing older together.
Sex may be one place where intimacy expresses itself.
But it is not the entire glue.
The relationship requires maintenance in:
the psychological,
the emotional,
the mental,
the spiritual,
and yes…
the physical.
If one area is expected to carry all the others…
the relationship becomes unbalanced.
DO YOU REALLY KNOW ME?
To know someone intimately can become an adventure.
Human beings are mysterious.
Half the time we are still trying to understand ourselves.
LOL.
Then we turn toward another person and ask:
Who are YOU?
What do you fear?
What do you hope for?
What hurts you?
What makes you feel safe?
What makes you laugh?
What are you not saying?
What do you need from me?
When another person opens that door and allows you inside…
that is intimacy.
They are sharing something much more valuable than a body.
They are sharing SELF.
PAUSE FOR CAUSE.
Physical closeness may happen quickly.
Being truly known can take years.
THE PLEASURE OF SOMEONE’S COMPANY
I have been married to the same woman for many years.
And I have reached a place where simply being together can be enough.
We may both be in the same room.
One reading.
The other doing something else.
Nobody performing.
Nobody entertaining.
Nobody proving anything.
And yet…
the room feels better because the other person is there.
That is something.
That is companionship.
I have also learned what it means to COMPLEMENT someone.
Not merely compliment them with words.
COMPLEMENT.
To add something to their life.
And for them to add something to yours.
Now ordinary life becomes a little more EXTRA-ordinary.
THE POWER OF A HUG AND A KISS
Never underestimate affection.
A hug.
A kiss.
A hand held.
An arm around a shoulder.
Sitting close.
These things can communicate:
I am here.
I see you.
You matter to me.
You are not alone.
Children need loving, appropriate affection and attention too.
When young people do not receive enough emotional security, guidance, connection and belonging, they may sometimes go searching for those needs in places or relationships they are not prepared to handle.
Then what was supposed to answer loneliness can create complications.
Life gets confusing when physical attention is mistaken for love.
THE TWO FUNDAMENTALS
In Pearls for Girls, I return to two very simple human needs:
- EVERYONE WANTS TO BE LOVED.
- NO ONE WANTS TO BE ALONE.
Think about how much human behavior grows out of those two things.
People date because of them.
Marry because of them.
Stay too long because of them.
Leave because of them.
Make good decisions because of them.
And sometimes make terrible decisions because of them.
The needs themselves are simple.
How we go about meeting them can become very complicated.
HOW WE GO ABOUT IT
That is where dysfunction enters.
Instead of saying:
“I want to be loved.”
we may become controlling.
Instead of saying:
“I am afraid of being alone.”
we may cling.
Instead of asking for intimacy…
we may settle for attention.
Instead of building connection…
we may chase physical validation.
Instead of revealing ourselves…
we may perform.
Now the original human need becomes hidden underneath behavior.
And everybody wonders:
How did this become so complicated?
Maybe because we forgot what we were actually looking for.
LOVE IS A VERB
Love is not only something you feel.
It is something you DO.
Listen.
Protect.
Encourage.
Tell the truth.
Show up.
Be patient.
Forgive when appropriate.
Set boundaries when necessary.
Hold hands.
Make time.
Pay attention.
Let the other person know:
YOU MATTER TO ME.
That is love doing its work.
Sex may express love.
But sex cannot substitute for all of that.
RICHIE SPEAKS
Here is one Richie rule:
Do not confuse being desired with being loved.
Another:
Sometimes the most intimate thing two people can do is sit together quietly and be glad the other one is there.
And one more:
If the only time affection appears is when sex is expected…
something important may be missing.
PEARLS FROM THE BOOKS
From the spirit of Pearls for the Soul:
“Love becomes visible in the thousands of small ways one person continually tells another: you matter.”
From the spirit of Pearls for Girls:
“Wanting love is natural. Learning how to recognize it is part of growing.”
From the spirit of God I AM:
“What is deepest within us seeks connection beyond appetite alone.”
PEARLS INSIGHT
Healthy intimacy involves far more than physical attraction.
Long-term connection is strengthened by trust, affection, emotional safety, communication, companionship, mutual respect and the feeling of being genuinely known.
Physical intimacy can be meaningful within that larger bond.
But when it is expected to replace emotional connection, the relationship may feel empty despite physical closeness.
PEARLS CONNECTION
This connects directly with BEST GIFT OF ALL…THE GIFT OF SELF.
The deepest gift in a relationship is not simply what one person gives physically.
It is their time, attention, honesty, presence and self.
It also connects with THE POWER OF BEING YOURSELF.
Real intimacy requires enough trust to stop performing and allow another person to meet the real you.
And MORE VALUABLE THAN GOLD…A PERSON’S WORD reminds us that trust and reliability are part of the foundation upon which love rests.
FINAL SAY
To be fruitful and multiply…
that is one thing.
To LOVE ONE ANOTHER…
that is something much larger.
Love is:
the hug that asks for nothing,
the kiss goodbye,
the call to make sure you arrived safely,
the quiet room shared by two people,
the hand that reaches over because it knows yours is there,
the conversation that keeps going after decades,
the simple feeling:
I am glad YOU are here.
Sex can be part of love.
But it should never be asked to impersonate the whole thing.
Everybody wants to be loved.
Nobody wants to be alone.
So perhaps we should become much better at giving people what they were really asking for all along.
LOVE ONE ANOTHER.
— Richie
Pearls for the Soul
when you feed the soul, you feed everything.
https://pearlsforthesoul.com
Been expecting you